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(no subject) [May. 16th, 2009|01:18 pm]
rachel
after not going out for what seems like forever, sarah, matt, dmitriy, & i went to friday's last night. it was so fun, maybe just because we hadn't done it in so long. but yeah. we need to hang out more often!
i've been clashing with my parents, especially my dad, more than usual recently, & it's leading me to want to move out. not that i don't appreciate all that they do for me, i do, it's just...sigh. i know that i have more freedom living here than a lot of people have living at home, but it's still not the same as having my own place. although i suppose i still do have my own place, i just haven't paid for it in almost a year.
the problem with having the impulse to move out is that i know it's not plausible right now. i'm barely getting any hours at work, which is fine, but it also means that i don't have extra money lying around. plus i'm taking a class this summer & i'm planning to take another full-time semester in the fall, so. it's not like i can really take more hours. or...i guess i could, but i'm trying not to set myself up for failure.
there's another problem, too: i want to live with matt - eventually - & he's definitely not ready yet, in any way. finances would be so tight, & i know from experience that that can bring any existing issues to the surface. not that i think matt & i have serious underlying issues, but...i don't want to do anything to jeopardize our relationship. which means that, for possibly the first time in my life, i have to exercise a little patience.
let me just say, i don't wanna! stupid delayed gratification.
i'm applying to oakland u for winter semester, i'm excited about that. i'm also super nervous, not necessarily about getting in - since my gpa at occ is 3.96 - but about the fact that it'll be a whole new experience. the speech class i took with sarah eased me into class at occ, but i don't know anyone at ou other than dmitriy, & we wouldn't be taking the same classes, besides the fact that he's not taking class at all right now. i've actually never even seen the campus of ou, i'd have to figure all of that out.
nerrrrrves. i haven't even sent in the application yet & i'm already freaking out. but! i'm so ready for this new phase of my life. i'm gonna get a goddamn stupid degree if it kills me. & it'd best not kill me, since all my efforts would go to waste.
yeah.
i'm turning twenty-five next month & i'm just now figuring out things i should've known when i was eighteen. i'm trying not to feel like the last seven years of my life were useless, but it's kind of difficult. i know that my actions have gotten me here, i just wish that the road could've been easier.
ah well. there's nothing i can do about the past at this point other than try not to forget the lessons it's taught me. seriously. my biggest life lesson = don't marry will. & don't buy a condo. & especially don't do both at the same time.
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(no subject) [May. 3rd, 2009|02:57 pm]
rachel
the first list is from february of oh-four. i've crossed off the things that i've accomplished. i reposted the first list in august of oh-six & crossed off things that applied then, but at this point i'm going to cross out only the ones that are applicable now.

1. (eventually) get a physical, especially to check on these things:
a) frequent heartburn
b) gynocological stuff
c) weird chest/stomach/bottom-of-esophagus pains/tightness (possibly caused by the frequent heartburn)
2. write a novel
3. write a book of poetry
4. publish something
5. visit europe
6. live in new zealand
7. live in new york
8. own a horse
9. eat less
10. exercise more
11. figure out how to get contact lenses in
12. wear contacts on a regular basis
13. worry less
14. let my real hair color come back
15. stop letting myself believe that food can solve any problem
16. find and take antidepressants on a regular basis
17. figure out what i want to do with my life
18. get a job
19. move out of my house
20. have a real, adult relationship [with someone other than will]
21. learn to stop using self-deprecation to invalidate my assets and highlight my flaws
22. live in the moment
23. tell all the people that i love that i love them
24. learn to be optimistic without being in denial

25. visit chris in lansing this summer
26. smile more
27. stop being so controlling
28. stop doing things that i feel need to be lied about
29. apply myself
30. do something mentally challenging

31. focus on the good
32. volunteer
33. breed animals - probably small dogs of some sort, like a welsh corgi
34. act my age
35. learn to be less self-centered
36. get a new car
37. stop being oversensitive
38. reread my favorite books
39. own a bookstore
40. find a sleep pattern i'm comfortable with and stick to it
41. be more independent
42. watch less tv
43. watch where i'm going, so as not to knock things over so much
44. care about myself more
45. own a high-quality guitar - and take lessons, so the beautiful thing doesn't just sit around unused
46. have more faith in myself
47. be less paranoid
48. be less irritable
49. take singing lessons
50. stop procrastinating so much

1. earn a degree
2. make more money
3. move out of my parents' house
4. base jump
5. reach my goalweight
6. exercise three days a week
7. get into therapy
8. work on my issues in therapy
9. convince will to let me have sex with someone other than him
10. get on birth control
11. read all the books i own
12. spend money more intelligently
13. own some clothes with staying power
14. make more friends
15. publish a novel
16. publish a book of poetry
17. have children
18. learn to be kinder to myself
19. take my meds more faithfully
20. watch less tv
21. obsess less
22. be more balanced
23. join a gym
24. go on a cruise
25. visit europe
26. visit australia
27. live in new zealand
28. figure out what i want to do with my life
29. be more open with people

30. be a professional (ie get a master's or ph.d.)
31. spend more time with other people
32. let myself succeed
33. write a song
34. learn to cook
35. horseback ride on a regular basis
36. help animals
37. donate to charity
38. register to vote
39. vote
40. become a household name
41. change the world
42. stop living in the past
43. stop making excuses
44. spend more time with my family
45. go out more
46. go to an orchestral concert
47. go to a basketball game
48. regulate my sleep schedule
49. go to the dentist
50. live in the moment
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(no subject) [Apr. 30th, 2009|11:23 am]
rachel
one of the best parts about being in school is that i'm influenced by what i'm learning. for example, i wrote this in chemistry. writing helps keep me awake.
anyway, this wasn't supposed to be a single poem, it's more like a bunch of beginnings of poems, but i don't care. bite me if you don't like it.

an army of diluted soldiers
working with hearts semi-
permeable, pressure an
inescapable force.

return to this army, militant,
weakened, dissolved into solution
abroad, a city fortified.

mixed, hybridized, the lobes of our
two hearts overlap to form
sigma bonds. and pi: atoms
pulled tight together, so close
that the energy to break the
bonds is astronomical.

disarm to satisfy concentration:
you may have only x nuclear arms
per x million residents.
to reside, a housewife running the
garbage disposal or changing the
baby's diaper & pushing her
sweaty hair back from her face.
residential building, the onslaught
of suburbia, now up to the
doorstep, sun puddled around
the family cat bathing itself lazily.

now break in down into solution,
my heart the solute in your test tube,
a definite quantity that can be
filtered out & measured.
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(no subject) [Apr. 21st, 2009|02:00 pm]
rachel
the choices were: listen to english final review or else write poetry. i chose to write poetry whilst looking up at the teacher now & then so that he'd think i was listening. i've been influenced by modernism and postmodernism, in case you couldn't tell.

a word a sweet: tip-tongued
with a record of tomorrow or
art. a shadow eye-lidded.

a sweet word of longing, a
burning - the hip-curve
echos, a drumbeat pushing through
savagely savage.

tongue-forked. a scene of -
what? images imagined imagining
imagism. a warming by
word-light. by light words
beginning to grow heavy.

by papercuts, cutting away
& revealing - what?
revelations by revellers.
epiphanizing endlessly: how many times
will you be adolescent,
to find yourself wordsmithing.

by discovering discovery - it
has been covered or uncovered
in connection to recovery.
a tomb, a sarcophagus, organs
removed & jarred.

to jar, be jarred, ajar the
doors to accept acceptance.
you racing to meet -

liberal conservatism. animals
caged, elephantine expectations
reflected or excepted. doused.
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(no subject) [Apr. 12th, 2009|11:59 pm]
rachel
today was a completely useless day. surprise, surprise.
i did, however, find time to argue with will, something that should come as a shock to no one. well, at least the fact that we'd fight, anyway.
i have many issues with will, not least the fact that he continually insists on blaming me for the current state of his life. i maintain that it's not all my fault; we were in it together. he signed the divorce papers, too. so i have a hard time listening to his victim-mentality speeches about what i "did to him." it's so frustrating.
also frustrating? the fact that he insists on controlling every situation. even though matt is dating me, i'm still not allowed to be anywhere that will happens to be. let me illustrate how this is a problem:
last monday, the sixth, was matt's birthday. i had school in the morning & work in the evening, so i didn't get to spend any time with matt during the day. when i called him after i'd gotten out of work, he was having a birthday party at will's. which means, automatically, that i'm not allowed to go. so i didn't get to see matt on his birthday because will's bitching & moaning has led to him getting his way.
whereas, even when i try to be adult, mature, reasonable, whatever, i have to kowtow to will's immaturity. out of respect for matt - &, god knows, only matt - i try to control myself, keep my irrationalities to myself, but it gets to be difficult.
i had spent a couple hours thursday at will's playing rockband, it seemed to go all right, which was the reason i called will in the first place, hoping that maybe it was a first step toward us all being able to hang out as a group. but no. it was awful for will, he doesn't want to be around me or talk to me or think of me. apparently he hates me.
what i wonder is, how can he possibly get away from me - at least thinking of me - when we have mutual friends, when he hangs out with my boyfriend, when one of his closest friends is my cousin? it seems like an irony for him to say that he wants nothing to do with me while having so much to do with the people in my life.
at this point, i wish he would grow up. we've been divorced for a year & a half & he's no closer to being able to move on now. he doesn't even want to move on. he wants to continue blaming me for his life being in shambles so that he doesn't have to take responsibility for anything. he wants to say that i didn't love him, i didn't commit myself to him, i didn't care about him the same way he cared about me.
excuse me?
i didn't take him for granted like he took me for granted, that's certainly true. i might have been more of a homebody, but going out with his friends wasn't fun for me. he didn't try to include me. he made time for lodge but not for me. he thought he could treat me like shit as long as he wanted to because i was supposed to always be there.
all i'm saying is, that's a fucked-up way to think about a relationship, right? i have forever to make it up to you, so maybe i'll start treating you better when we're in our fifties? i have no regrets that i didn't accept that bullshit from him. i got to a point where i'd had enough & i got the hell out of there.
i just...i don't think even now he understands that he truly treated me like shit. like i was expendable, like i wasn't doing my wifely duties or something. like an object. when you treat a complex individual like a possession, how can you be surprised that there are repercussions?
anyway, we had this argument probably midafternoon & it's been irritating me since.
fortunately, i don't have work tomorrow, just class. we'll get back our tests from last week, i'm really hoping that i rocked it out.
i wish matt would call me. i want to talk to him. but he's probably at will's, & i know he doesn't have work tomorrow, so he probably won't go home until late. &, following from my fight with will earlier, will'll probably try to undermine us in some way, that son of a bitch. god, i hate him. rrr.
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(no subject) [Mar. 21st, 2009|05:00 pm]
rachel
tomorrow starts my last week at my current store, something that kind of marks the end of an era. i'm sad about it; as i'm telling more of my customers that the store is closing, it's occurring to me that there are literally dozens of people who i've grown to know & care about. so, so hard. i know that there are some people who i'll try to keep in touch with outside of working in their pharmacy, but it's awkward to separate work-me from real-me.
i don't know.
i just know that i'm sad. & i'll miss having matt work with me. plus i'll miss aparna, mitriy, etc.
i'm hungry & tired. maybe food, then nap?
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(no subject) [Mar. 6th, 2009|12:10 am]
rachel
every time someone does the "twenty sentences" post, i have an urge to do it, also. but. the problem is that ambiguity is unsatisfying, at least for me, because isn't the point of a public livejournal to have people read it? &, if the people you write things to/about read what you write to/about them, shouldn't they have the satisfaction of knowing how you really feel about them? perhaps not, but perhaps.
without further ado.

1. i'm always surprised to find out how much i seem to mean to you, given that we only loosely keep in touch &, although i have only good things to say about you, we haven't been really close since high school. & even then my impact on you startled me.
2. our relationship is quirky to the nth degree, but it seems to work for us. i have a sneaking suspicion that you're a little in love with me, & i may or may not exploit that fact just a little.
3. how does it turn out that one of the craziest, most impulsive things i've ever done has led to one of the best times of my life? the past year & change has been amazing, & i don't doubt that we'll continue to light each other up for a long time to come.
4. some things never change, & unforunately your worldview is one of them.
5. we certainly don't always agree, but your opinion is one that i count on. our friendship has changed me in so many ways & i'm really hoping that we'll be able to keep rolling with the punches. which is a breezy way of saying that you matter to me more than just about anyone else, & i hope i still matter to you.
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(no subject) [Jun. 14th, 2008|10:19 pm]
rachel
i only have five days of work left between me & a week-&-a-half vacation from rite aid. thank god.
i did this same thing last year, took the week around my birthday off. i mostly used it to watch moulin rouge a million times, something i'm vaguely hoping/planning to do again.
life has mostly settled into a nice, predictable routine, consisting of home, work, matt, & miscellaneous. as far as the 'home' goes, we didn't have power sunday evening through wednesday evening this week, that was a bit trying. the house directly across the street from us has a generator, so that was the only sound other than nature. i think i heard some bats squeaking, or whatever sound it is that they make. but i couldn't see them because, well, the flashlight beam only reached so far.
work recently has been kind of...lackluster. i've been a little distant since probably december, & i've improved slightly, but i still don't care as much as i could/should/did. not to say that i'm not doing my job well enough. just to say that i'm not going as far above & beyond as i used to.
as for matt? bliss, pretty much. i'm not allowed to spend the night at his parents' house, which is kind of frustrating, but he spends the night at my parents' probably about once a week. & doesn't complain, even though i know he likes his bed better. other than the me-not-allowed-to-sleep-over issue, we haven't had any major problems. & not really any minor ones, either. perhaps we're just still in the honeymoon phase.
yeah. that's about it.
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a story about shovels? [Apr. 28th, 2008|09:16 pm]
rachel
     For the third time that morning, the bell on the front door jangled as a customer entered the hardware store. The man who walked in was typical of the area, youngish, glad to live comfortably in suburbia, away from the hustle and bustle of the city. The cashier, startled from a daydream about anywhere but here, greeted the man and asked if he was looking for anything in particular that she could help him find.
    “Actually, yes,” he answered, “I’m looking for a good, sturdy shovel that will hold up under some pretty extreme conditions.”
     “What kind of conditions?” the cashier inquired, coming out from behind the counter and leading the man to the tool section.
     The man considered for a moment. “I’ve just moved from the city and have never had the time or space to garden, but here I have almost a quarter of an acre all to myself, and it’s looking kind of pathetic. So I need something that’ll last me a while, but also something that isn’t too high-maintenance. My shed is kind of damp and the soil is kind of hard. What would you recommend?”
     The cashier bit her lip in concentration as she looked from shovel to shovel, occasionally offering one to the man to inspect more closely. Her first instinct told her that a heavy-duty plastic shovel would the man’s best bet, but the handle didn’t feel quite right in his hands.
     “It seems a little…inconsequential,” he explained, handing it back to her.
     Her eye caught next on an ornately decorated shovel, the blade polished until it gleamed. “This is a floral, or a garden, shovel,” she explained. “If you’re planning to put in a flower bed, this is just the right size to do that type of work.”
     The man took the shovel from her, noting that it was a bit smaller than some of the others. Even though the intricacy of the vines weaving around the handle was nice to look at, he didn’t think he would have much of a hand for flowers. “Maybe plants or bushes would be more up my alley,” he explained, rejecting this shovel as well.
     The cashier found a few more likely prospects, but none of them felt just right to the man. “I’m beginning to feel like Goldilocks!” he said, laughing.
     “Maybe go home and think it over, and head back tomorrow?” said the cashier, her eye on the line starting to form at the register.
     “Perhaps I’ll do that. Thanks for all of your help.” And the man left, feeling a bit downtrodden. He’d wanted to start turning the soil that day, in preparation for a trip to the local nursery tomorrow. “Oh well,” he said aloud. “At least I’ll take a look out back, try to get a feel for the sort of thing I’ll want to buy from the nursery.”
     That evening, opening the door to the shed, something he hadn’t done since before he’d closed on the house, he saw a flash of metal.
     The metal turned out to be the blade of a well-made wooden-handled shovel, the handle seemingly all carved from a single piece of wood, the blade in good repair. How serendipitous, he thought. Maybe I couldn’t make up my mind in the hardware store today because I was about to find this shovel. Before jumping to conclusions, though, the man inspected the shovel more closely, going so far as to dig a deep hole near the shed.
     “Yes,” he said to himself, finally completely satisfied, “this is the shovel for me.” With that, he fished out his pocketknife and carved his initials into the wood.
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(no subject) [Mar. 30th, 2008|07:23 pm]
rachel
it's hard to believe that it's been three years since i moved back from mt pleasant, but it has been.
this occurs to me because i'm picking up my new car tomorrow, & i leased the current one just after i moved down here. i'm certain you won't be surprised to note that i haven't cleaned out the current one yet...yeahyeah. i have until tomorrow at six, so obviously i'll be cleaning hastily at five:fifty-seven. 'cause that's how i do.
after a rocky start, this year is going really well. mostly. it's not perfect, since nothing is perfect, but it's very good. without being too disgustingly mushy, let me just say that this relationship is thus far making feel the best i've felt in years. it's amazing.
plus, i'm glad that all the drama is proving to be worth it.
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