||[Apr. 12th, 2009|11:59 pm]
today was a completely useless day. surprise, surprise.|
i did, however, find time to argue with will, something that should come as a shock to no one. well, at least the fact that we'd fight, anyway.
i have many issues with will, not least the fact that he continually insists on blaming me for the current state of his life. i maintain that it's not all my fault; we were in it together. he signed the divorce papers, too. so i have a hard time listening to his victim-mentality speeches about what i "did to him." it's so frustrating.
also frustrating? the fact that he insists on controlling every situation. even though matt is dating me, i'm still not allowed to be anywhere that will happens to be. let me illustrate how this is a problem:
last monday, the sixth, was matt's birthday. i had school in the morning & work in the evening, so i didn't get to spend any time with matt during the day. when i called him after i'd gotten out of work, he was having a birthday party at will's. which means, automatically, that i'm not allowed to go. so i didn't get to see matt on his birthday because will's bitching & moaning has led to him getting his way.
whereas, even when i try to be adult, mature, reasonable, whatever, i have to kowtow to will's immaturity. out of respect for matt - &, god knows, only matt - i try to control myself, keep my irrationalities to myself, but it gets to be difficult.
i had spent a couple hours thursday at will's playing rockband, it seemed to go all right, which was the reason i called will in the first place, hoping that maybe it was a first step toward us all being able to hang out as a group. but no. it was awful for will, he doesn't want to be around me or talk to me or think of me. apparently he hates me.
what i wonder is, how can he possibly get away from me - at least thinking of me - when we have mutual friends, when he hangs out with my boyfriend, when one of his closest friends is my cousin? it seems like an irony for him to say that he wants nothing to do with me while having so much to do with the people in my life.
at this point, i wish he would grow up. we've been divorced for a year & a half & he's no closer to being able to move on now. he doesn't even want to move on. he wants to continue blaming me for his life being in shambles so that he doesn't have to take responsibility for anything. he wants to say that i didn't love him, i didn't commit myself to him, i didn't care about him the same way he cared about me.
i didn't take him for granted like he took me for granted, that's certainly true. i might have been more of a homebody, but going out with his friends wasn't fun for me. he didn't try to include me. he made time for lodge but not for me. he thought he could treat me like shit as long as he wanted to because i was supposed to always be there.
all i'm saying is, that's a fucked-up way to think about a relationship, right? i have forever to make it up to you, so maybe i'll start treating you better when we're in our fifties? i have no regrets that i didn't accept that bullshit from him. i got to a point where i'd had enough & i got the hell out of there.
i just...i don't think even now he understands that he truly treated me like shit. like i was expendable, like i wasn't doing my wifely duties or something. like an object. when you treat a complex individual like a possession, how can you be surprised that there are repercussions?
anyway, we had this argument probably midafternoon & it's been irritating me since.
fortunately, i don't have work tomorrow, just class. we'll get back our tests from last week, i'm really hoping that i rocked it out.
i wish matt would call me. i want to talk to him. but he's probably at will's, & i know he doesn't have work tomorrow, so he probably won't go home until late. &, following from my fight with will earlier, will'll probably try to undermine us in some way, that son of a bitch. god, i hate him. rrr.