|let's get lost
||[Dec. 10th, 2010|10:13 pm]
i don't want to remember, but i can't forget.|
it's been a long time - almost ten years - since i last worried about getting in to post-secondary school. i remember how sure i was that i would get in to u-m. and how i wanted to get in to yale, but didn't. and then thought to myself: not good enough. not good enough by a long shot. and now, thinking about grad school, my inner monologue says: YOU'RE STILL NOT GOOD ENOUGH!
it's kinda pathetic. or...at least sad, not necessarily in a pathetic sort of way.
state has a rhetoric program, which would be fine with me. otherwise, carnegie-mellon has a program that looks awesome. but it's in pittsburgh. and that would mean moving to pittsburgh. and i don't know if i could convince matt to do that, and i don't know if i could do it without him. i dunno. it's complicated.
but! probably/hopefully moving into an apartment in spring, at the very least me and rachel. matt may or may not come with, we'll see how it goes. i have high hopes but not too-too high because matt is stubborn and doesn't like change. but, of course, i'd love to live with him. i think. because of what happened last time i moved in with someone, i'm a little nervous, but i feel like matt's right to say that our relationship is intrinsically different than that last relationship. probably we'll be fine.
i feel old. incalculably old, like i should know something about something but i still feel, largely, that i don't know anything about anything.
i've considered what i'd even go to grad school for, and creative writing is a possibility, but most programs want newer work. and my good work - more like my only work - is all relatively old. i suppose i could write some more now, but i get the feeling that it would seem pathetic and contrived. neither of which do i think would help my case.
over the break, i'll at least have some time to write, if that's what i want to do. i dunno how much time, now that i think about it, since my life is busy anyway. without class, there's still work and matt. and sleeping. and lazing. wherever would i fit creativity into that? perhaps between the sleeping and the lazing.
perhaps i'm both older and wiser, but it's not in an important way. not in a way that matters to anyone, even me. i suppose i can console myself with the fact that, in the grand scheme of things, i'm still kind of young. ish. except it feels like time is speeding up and i can't do anything to keep up with it.